Written by Jessica on Thursday, June 26, 2008

I've recently had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. Emotionally, probably the hardest. The decision is that I give up the career I've worked so hard to get, to become a full time mom. The career that had just started to flourish. All my hard work, going to school, working full time, and being a mom, had just started to pay off. What if I can never get it back? What if that was my only chance? I know, I know, it's selfish of me to have those thoughts. But I can't help it. After all, I have 4 beautiful, healthy children. Nonetheless, the decision to stay at home is not an easy one. It requires sacrifice on so many levels; as mentioned - my career (which in my case is a big part of me and my identity), my monetary contribution to the family, adult interaction, whatever little bit of a social life I used to have, here lately my sanity, among other things, all have been sacrificed.

I had everything planned out, and this wasn't in the master plan, so it through me for a loop. I have been on the fence since I found out about the triplets, unsure of my next move and scared to death at the thought of being a full-time mother of 4 all at once. I kept hoping that a magical super nanny would come rescue me and offer to take care of my boys while I continued to work. But the nanny didn't come and it was decision time. Wade and I had gone through the pros and cons numerous times. We could basically sway the decision any way we wanted to. We'd take turns playing devils advocate, and we hashed out the numbers over and over. At times I would sit and try to rationalize working to basically break even after childcare expenses.

But it came down to looking at my 7 pound babies. My babies that were 7 pounds at 7 weeks old. They've fought for 7 weeks to gain weight and grow, yet they were still smaller than Taylor the day he was born. (he was 8lb 10oz) Taylor was always a strong baby, but as many daycare babies are, he stayed sick. He caught every little cold that came around for the first year of his life. (Since then, he's hardly ever sick.) But, I just can't put these boys through that right now.

That's when I realized being a mom and raising a family requires sacrifice. Yes, my career is on hold. When the boys are a little older, I hope to go back and pick up where I left off. It's a chance I have to take.

After all, being a working mom requires sacrifice too. And it's a sacrifice that you can't get back, you can't pick up where you left off. I know that sacrifice well, I understand the guilt and the sadness you feel when you miss a milestone and you can only read about it in the daily daycare report. Or the sadness and guilt you feel when you can't attend a party or other school function because it's an important day at work. I've missed so much with Taylor, and I can't get it back. Wade's job is much more flexible than mine, so he was able to attend those little functions and stay home with Taylor when he wasn't really sick, sick, but just didn't feel good. Taylor refers to those days as "hookin." **How cute is that?!** For Taylor's sake, I'm glad Wade was there but I wish I could've done it more.

While this has been a hard and in many ways a sad decision for me to make, ultimately I feel as though I'm doing the best thing for us. My days here with 4 boys are much harder than my job as a banker on even the toughest banking days, but I know it will pay greater dividends in memories down the road.

I was blessed with these Angels and pulled in this direction for a reason, the rest is up to me.

To all my CB&T friends and co-workers, thank you for 7 great years! Keep in touch! ..oh, and keep a spot open for me, please. = ) I'll be begging to come back before you know it!

2 i *heart* comments!:

Peyton said...

Jessica, I can only imagine how tough that decision was for you to make. I know that you have worked so hard to get to where you are in the corporate world. Even though I am not yet a mom, I know that being a mom is the most important job that you will ever have. And I know that it will prove to be much more rewarding than any other job that you could ever dream to have. The Lord has blessed you with these babies for a reason. I know that you know that. Take the blessing for what it is. Because, even though you are going to be with them 24/7, the time is still going to fly by before you even know it.

I have been wanting to come by for a visit. But, I have been trying to wait for the right time. I do want to follow up on my promise to help you out how ever you may need me to. The offer is still wide open. I will give you a call soon. I would be delighted to come over and do anything that I can to help make your load a little lighter. You take care. And I will be in touch really soon. If you would like to call me, my cell # is 706/587-8331.
Peyton Harper

Anonymous said...

jessica, you've always made the right decisions. this ones no different. you've been blessed so enjoy it all you can,like you said you can not go back and catch up on the things you miss. you have a lot of support and people that love all of you.
love you